Saturday, August 3, 2013

Working Mama

Some of you may or may not know that I started back working full time three weeks ago! I can't believe it. Both my kids are gone during the school year from 8-3 and with as much as I love graphic design, it was time to head back. The summers will now be very difficult as Justin and the boys will have all the recreational fun but I am excited at getting back in to the swing of a career.

When I was the sole breadwinner of our family in order to put JP through graduate school and had no kids, the idea of our livelihood resting on my shoulders alone was so daunting I was almost crushed by the weight of it all. And once I had babies and was working full time with an hour commute on either end of my day I felt guilty that I wasn't there for them and a bit resentful that that was our situation. I was able to nurse on my lunch break and pump (which is no picnic), much more than a lot of mamas get to or are able to do but I ached to be home with them.

When we moved to Colorado 5 years ago and I got to stay home with my little guys for the first time outside of maternity leave, what I thought would be so easy and relaxing turned out to be just as stressful and guilt generating as when I worked only in different ways and for different reasons. I felt guilty that I wasn't contributing financially, that I wasn't as good at parenting as my husband and that these boys would grow up remembering an impatient mom. Or worse, a mom who didn't prepare them for the world in the way she should have. YUCK! I didn't realize just how exhausting the stay at home mother job is. You are never off and if your kids are awake, then you are on duty. There is no recoup on the weekends or evenings, it's go go go all the time.

I sound a little ill-content in all of those situations but the more accurate read of this is probably insecure. I want to do right by my kids. No I have higher hopes than that even. I want to do stellar, amazing, even unbelievable by my kids. So all of that to say, as I enter this new season of life, of parenthood, I am excited, relieved, ready and yet terrified at the same time as to how we will shake into this new lifestyle.

I just finished week three and you'd think I'd be in to a routine by now but the second two weeks JP has been on the other side of the world and so I got to be full time working from home mom to two rambunctious boys on summer break. (Major props to the single mothers out there. If you aren't a single mother, help one out with her kids every now and again. They need it, no doubt.) So ask me in a month when we get in to school and settle a bit. When I have time to actually sit at my desk with my own computer and we are in the swing of things. Once I get to see just how awesome flex time in a full time job where the commute is literally a walk across campus and my kids are in school most of the day anyway.  This is a new season. I think it's gonna be a good one.

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